


smooth seas don't make good sailors

by bevanisms



Category: NINE PERCENT (Band), 偶像练习生 | Idol Producer (TV)
Genre: Angst, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Zhangjun, also, beach fic where yanjun is a surfer hehe, but it's not that elaborate lol, ps forgive me this is my first time kinda properly writing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-16
Updated: 2018-07-20
Packaged: 2019-06-11 10:56:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 4,766
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15313980
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bevanisms/pseuds/bevanisms
Summary: excerpts from the mind of one lin yanjun, a boy who lived by the beach and fell in love with one you zhangjing





	1. i'll be here by the ocean

_The ocean is a mysterious thing. Sometimes it moves in gentle waves, softly crashing against the shore. Other times it heaves and roils, swallowing up everything it meets. The ocean is frightening, unpredictable and turbulent; but in its waves is its spirit, and that’s how you know that it’s alive._

\---------------------------------------------------------------

The day I met you, the ocean was calm, fresh and light against the rising sun. It was picturesque and serene; the world bathed in soft pinks, oranges, and teals, with you right in the middle of it. It wasn’t the first time I saw you— in fact, I saw you almost everyday, always around the same time, walking along the same stretch of the beach. It was funny, I thought. You’d never stay more than an hour or two, and never enter the water, even though you seemed to like the sea. “Maybe he can’t swim?” I wondered secretly, chuckling a little at the thought. “Who lives by the sea but can’t swim?” With such funny thoughts running in my head and having a little bit of time to spare, I finally thought to approach you.

“Hey!” I called out, running towards you with surfboard in hand. You didn’t hear me, and so I called out again, and this time you did hear me, turning your head around and stopping in your tracks. As I stood in front of you, I realised I didn’t really have anything to say, ending up staring at your questioning look for a while longer than was considered acceptable.

“Um, sorry is there something wrong?” you asked me. Laughing, I said no, nothing was wrong, nothing at all; it’s just that I saw you here everyday, thought it was a curious thing, but more curious was how you never entered the sea because maybe you didn’t know how to swim, and so maybe you’d like some lessons from the professional that was me. At that, you fumed and blushed, red as the morning sun, saying if I were there only to bother you and extort money through a badly thought advertisement, then I shouldn’t bother, “a not good-bye to you, surfer boy.” I laughed, asking if you really didn’t know how to swim— a question I met with your glare. “Okay, okay, I’m sorry,” I said, surrendering in apology.

“Fine, I forgive you. Now, this is a good-bye, mister—”

“Yanjun.”

“What?”

“I’m Lin Yanjun, it’s very nice to meet you! You are?”

“You are… kidding me.”

At this, I laughed once again, appreciating your sense of humour. You rolled your eyes, but it didn’t escape me how the corners of your lips curled up in a small smile. “What do you want?” you asked, telling me how you thought that alright, maybe I wasn’t there to just advertise personal swimming lessons. I answered huh, maybe we can be friends, you seem a little lonely walking alone in the mornings so maybe I could join you, and we could have breakfast sometimes too, what do you think? You answered with a laugh, asking if I were that friendless that I would come up to strangers walking the beach for friends. “You were here to extort friendship and not money after all,” you tell me, chuckling all the while between your words. Now it was my turn to feel affronted as, no, I had many many friends, who wouldn’t love to be around a handsome and humorous boy like me, plus a lifesaver to boot, “so Mister You Still Haven’t Told Me Your Name, if you ever needed a wonderful friend who would save you from all your troubles, your man is here.”

“Zhangjing.”

“What?”

“My name is You Zhangjing, it’s nice to meet you too, Yanjun, even though you are a little bit odd.”

Odd? No, I think you mistook that word for cool, but anyway, I was glad we started off on a good note, “everyone really can’t resist this handsome lifesaver.”

“Only if this lifesaver could save me from my hunger; you bet I’ll be following on your promise of breakfast!” is what you said, punching my arm in the process, catching me off-guard. I began to regret ever approaching you as I felt a looming fear for the death of my wallet. I knew a lot of people and could get discounts on most anything, but right then I just knew you were the type with a big appetite, and no amount of discounts would ever, ever help with that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> first chapter!! this is going to be a really short fic but i just wanna say thank you so much to the four friends who pushed me to write/post this, love you guys so much :(
> 
> find me [@yanjunsmiles](http://twitter.com/yanjunsmiles) on twitter! ♡


	2. summer love

Days passed by, rolling gently the way waves do on a clear summer day, when the breeze blows just right— not too strong, and not too soft. The once sleepy mornings turned bright and full of life, filled with your happy chatter and our daily banter. Sometimes we would walk and run along the beach, at times getting close to the water as if teasing it to come and take us. Other times, we would just sit down, eat snacks we’d buy from the convenience store, and talk about all sorts of things: the weather, your gigs the previous day, how boring it is to have my job. Sometimes, we would talk about stranger things, whether aliens lived among us, what sea creatures still remained hidden in the depths of the oceans, whether we had magic but just didn’t know how to use. We’d talk about anything and everything under the sun and even beyond it. It surprised me how easy it was being with you; our connection was seamless, the way the sky and the sea joined at the horizon.

Without really realising, you became a constant in my life, and I in yours. Our meetings were no longer limited to just mornings by the beach; we’d go to each others’ houses, hang around town, sometimes even do groceries together— which was a good thing, as I learned a thing or two (or more) about cooking, all thanks to you. It’s funny how, months after first meeting you, I realised something that, to a lot of people would come as a shock, sometimes even so much as to be unwanted: I realised, as naturally as ships move with the rocking of waves, that I loved you. I loved you not in the way that the sea greedily takes sand as it crashes on the shore, nor in the way that the ocean selfishly hides everything in its depths; no, I loved you in the way that the earth turns to face the sun every morning— open and unafraid, ever ready to accept light and warmth in order to let things live and grow. I, like the earth, was surely a separate entity in my own right; but with you in my life, I felt your warmth and brightness that led me to be better and better everyday.

With this newfound and yet not altogether novel feeling, I thought to confess to you. Whether or not you’d accept my feelings was beside the point; all I wanted to do was to let you know just how much I appreciated you, how much I was grateful for having ever met you, and how much I cared about you. Okay, maybe I’m lying; of course there was this part of me that had wanted, craved for you, longed to keep you by my side, a part that was so nervous and scared to be rejected by you. Believe me when I say I spent days and nights thinking so carefully about the right words to say, only to end up saying one night, in drunken stupor, “You Zhangjing, say… why not... you ‘n’ me, we date, huh?” It was embarrassing, the words stumbling out of my mouth before my mind could even piece them coherently. A pause, and as I realised what I had just said, I immediately willed to take it back, attempting to brush it off with a laugh, a joke, when you whispered ever so softly, “I thought you’d never ask.”


	3. sunsets & silhouette dreams

Being together with you was no different from how we always were, except now I could hold your hand without hesitating or calling it an “accident.” It was no different from how we’d laugh and smile together, except now I could look at you and smile “for no reason” without you telling me I was odd or creepy. It was no different from how we’d share anything— from food, to clothes, to CDs, sometimes even our apartments; but now, we could share hugs, cuddles, and especially kisses too.

Being together with you of course meant sharing things about ourselves that we would otherwise be reluctant to tell any other living soul, things too embarrassing, too painful, too heavy that carrying them alone would kill us. There were nights after your gigs when you’d drink too much and tell me how you wish you could perform on bigger stages, if only you were good enough. I would tell you it’s good you could even still dream, I gave up singing a long time ago when the people closest to me hushed me to silence. There were afternoons you’d tell me, over coffee and tea, how you sometimes felt all alone and lonely, with no one to turn to, even when you had so many good friends around you. I’d tell you I felt the same too, and maybe it was normal, anyway the only one who is constantly in anyone’s head, the only one who could know their own thoughts and feelings completely is no one but themselves. There were mornings when we’d drink the world in silence, lying close to each other but not saying a single thing except for, “stay with me,” because sometimes things are just too much for words that we’d only need an anchor to keep us steady through the whirling storm of our thoughts.

One morning, however, was different. On that day, before the sun had even risen, you called me out to the beach, your voice just a whisper of breaths through the phone. Any other day, I would have complained at the earliness, but things that particular morning were worrisome and off. I arrived to the view of you ankle-deep in the water, back turned to me, a dark silhouette against an even darker sea. The tide was low at the time, with rocks that were usually hidden then fully exposed, in much the same way as the you who were about to unravel your heart.

I walked to you slowly and held you in my arms, asking you if you were fine. You didn’t speak for a long time, and when you did, you released yourself from my embrace and asked me, “Lin Yanjun, do you know why I would never swim?” It was an odd question, really, and if I weren’t so surprised I might have even laughed. However, neither the time nor the place demanded laughter, and so instead, I asked you why.

“Because the sea is frightening. On sunny days, it looks calm and serene, but even then, its waves are powerful enough to take anything in its way. I’m afraid if I swim too far, it would take me too.”

What do you mean?

“I told you my mom was a single parent right? That’s actually not true… I had a father once too, you know?”

Did he…

“My father, you know, despite what he did, I know he loved us. Before anything I just want you to understand that, okay? My father was not a bad man.”

Silence.

“You see, one morning, one just like this, I saw him leave our house. I thought he was going to work, maybe a bit earlier than usual, and you see, he often took me with him because he wanted me to take after the shipyard, so I went ahead and ran after him. When I came up and surprised him, he was so shocked— his heart really could’ve jumped out— and, for a split second, there was a look in his eyes that, then, I didn’t understand but now realise as fear. What did he fear? Being found, maybe? I didn’t really know. All I knew was his expression immediately changed to a friendly, loving smile, the smile I always loved seeing, the smile I always loved coming home to.

It’s just, you see… after that day, there was none of that smile to come home to anymore. As we walked together, my father told me he had to go somewhere far because of work, and when I asked why, he told me it was because he had some business deals he needed to fix personally. I asked him when he would return, and he told me maybe after a month or two, he’ll let us know through a call. It wasn’t odd for him to have business trips, but trips that lasted that long… never. Still, as the young child I was, I believed everything my father had said to be true; so, we continued to walk and walk, up until the docks, where a small ship had been prepared. I went to see him off until he boarded, telling him mom and I would be waiting, and that he should take care and also call us often to tell us how he’s doing. I told him I loved him, and he told me the same, telling me to even wait for him to come back… the thing is, he never came back.”

A pause. The whole world made no sound, as if silently anticipating your story.

“What happened?” I whispered.

“Well, I don’t really know, but when I came home and told my mom about it, she cried and cried, but not so much in sadness than in anger and frustration— anger at him for having left, frustration at herself for not having been able to do anything. I was so, so confused, more than any other time in my life. I told her to stop crying, father would come back after a month, but she just hugged me and said, ‘he won’t, he won’t.’ I believed in my father, you know? That’s why a month after he left, I waited by the docks, but he never came back. I guess he loved the sea so much he let himself get taken through to another place, somewhere else he could call home. That’s why I’m afraid if I swim too far, I’ll go off finding him, and get taken far, far away too.”

Waves, crashing on our feet, the only thing that made a sound in that lightless, sunless dawn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you guys enjoyed this chapter!! :D


	4. find yourself a tragedy

Ever since you confided in me about your father, I started understanding more things about you— things that were dark and deep yet barely noticeable, just like shadows in passing. I understood why some of your family pictures were torn and tattered, not because they had been damaged in a fire accident, but because they were ripped to be so. I understood where the half of those pictures went— you kept them in a small chest because you couldn’t bear to throw them, even when your mother had told you to do so. I understood how you could be so hardworking, what with your three jobs, because you had to learn from an early age how to support yourself. Most of all, I understood why you were always smiling: your smile was much like your father’s, and maybe if you’d smile, you’d still feel that he was home right beside you.

I know, even after telling me this about you, you always did your best to still stay the cheerful, sunny boy that you were. You tried to never talk about it since, but at times you’d break and couldn’t hold it in. Sometimes you’d ask if there was anything you could have done, if maybe you had noticed the little fights between your parents, their forced smiles and weary eyes, then maybe you could’ve helped them fix things in some way. Sometimes you’d wonder how it might be if you went out and looked for your father, if he’d feel sorry and come back, if he’d even recognise you. It was hard seeing you this way, seeing you still yearn for your father so many years after he left, seeing you yearn for the ghost of a person who was no longer there. The kind and loving father you still dreamt of was only an idea, a thought, and it frustrated me to see you wanting to chase nothing. I don’t know, did I love you too much that I was willing to break your heart and tell you to stop chasing after dreams? All I wanted was for you to be free from the shackles of a past that held too tight, that bit into your skin and let you bleed dry. Was I wrong?

Maybe I was.


	5. the way that you left me is alright, it's alright.

One stormy day, when the wind howled and the waves churned so ferociously, sea foam frothing wildly against a thunderous sky, you came to me. I was just about to call you, ask if you were safe, when the bell to my apartment rang. As I opened the door, your drenched and dampened figure greeted me, a sight that told me you were once again in your hellhole of thoughts. I hurriedly brought you in and gave you a towel plus a change of clothes, as well as some tea to warm you up, but none of which you even bothered with. I kept asking you to at least please change, you were practically soaked and you’d get sick, but I don’t think you were hearing me. Your eyes were dead, your skin cold; you were a living corpse at that point and I didn’t know how to bring you back to life, and so I just stayed beside you, hoping the little warmth I could give would be enough.

We stayed that way, sitting in silence, worry and fear eating at me more viciously with every minute that passed. After what seemed like an eternity, you finally spoke.

“He has another family,” you whispered.

Who?

“My father.”

I asked you how’d you find out, you said you saw it on this morning’s newspaper, an article written about him and his new business, including his successor. You didn’t even actually read it, you saw the picture first. He looked happier, healthier, and his smile brighter and warmer than you’d ever seen it before. His name had changed, his aura had also become different, and it was as if this was an entirely new person, someone you’d never seen nor known before. You kept asking how could he have done that, did he really leave you and your mother for another? He was always so gentle; he taught you how to be good, honest, and true, taught you how to keep people close to your heart, so how could he have just thrown you out of his life?

“Doesn’t he still love us?”

No. No, Zhangjing, he doesn’t. The man you’ve just seen is no longer the man you thought him to be, nor is he the man you wish him to be. He left you, he left your mother. Not once has he ever contacted you since, yet you still keep hoping to find him. Well, now you have, but he’s no longer your father. How many times have I told you that? How many times have I said that maybe you should give up on him, because surely he has already given up on you? Good, honest, and true? Maybe once, but no longer. The day he left you was the day he became a pathetic man, a pathetic man who makes you so pitifully, painfully pathetic too. Why do you keep holding on?

\--------------------------------------------------

Thunder, the slam of a door. My door. A towel on the floor, the one which dropped from your shoulders as you left in a fury. Ringing in my ears, a stinging pain on my cheek— the only remnant of you that you had left me with.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is ending in the next chapter! sorry this is really short and idk but i hope it's a good read!!


	6. every wave drags me to sea

In the days that followed, we hadn’t contacted each other. I know I probably should have, but I was so taken up with what I believed was righteousness, what I believed was me protecting you that I was too stubborn and prideful to even leave a message. I know now I wasn’t righteous all along.

The day that the storm cleared and it was safe to be outside again, I and my colleagues were called out immediately to work. As any typical day after a storm, we were tasked with cleaning up the beach and accounting for injuries, fatalities, as well as damages. I was out early as I knew it was going to be a long day. The things I said to you, the things we fought about, these kept cycling in my head all throughout, so I was thankful for some work to pull me out of the loop. I admit, at this time I already did feel that my words were too much— I knew how much your father meant to you, yet I went right out destroying the image you had of him. At this time, I already thought that perhaps I didn’t help at all, that maybe you would never trust me again, and that all I could do was ask for your forgiveness and hope you’d be okay; but what I didn’t expect was that it was already impossible for me to do either of those things.

When I arrived at the beach, it was a mess. Trash and flotsam were scattered everywhere, some bits of wood, metal and whatnot here and there, and other debris not unusual for the aftermath of a storm. As the whole city had an advisory for residents to not leave their homes during the duration of the storm, we were expecting there would be few or even no casualties. Even so, it wouldn’t have been surprising to have some odd one or two people, which is why alarming as it was when I saw an ambulance parked and a crowd, I already steeled myself to be calm, willing my mind to be collected and practical. I’ve seen many disasters in my life, disasters which I’ve always just forced myself to swallow down and face head on; but as I got closer and closer to the crowd, close enough to make out the figure on the ground, I wanted to do all but force the sight of your dead body down my throat.

Realising who you were, I lost my mind. I pushed the people in front of me away so I could be next to you, so I could make sure it wasn’t you. The body— your body— had already partially rotted, the stench of death hanging around you heavily. Parts of you were bloated, your skin deathly-white, and your hair stuck out in every which way, only a ghost of the soft curls you always had. Your mouth hung slightly ajar, your eyes closed in a way that made you look troubled and restless, as if you had been taken in sleep from a horrific nightmare. Besides these things, I couldn’t remember much anything else at that moment; it was as if my mind chose to cut itself from the world, unable to process anything I was seeing or hearing. I remember people carrying you out, putting you in a bag to be taken away. I remember people pulling me away, separating me from you, not even wanting to realise you had already been separated from this world. I remember streams of heat running down my cheeks, hot tears of pain, of loss, of anger at myself. Most of all, I remember a hoarseness in my throat, worn dry from screaming out your name. All of these things I remember— my last memories of you before we parted ways.

\---------------------------------------------------------------

_The ocean is a mysterious thing. Sometimes it is serene and gentle, showing no sign of the tempests that come and go; and yet beneath its facade is a dark pit of stories and memories it had forcefully taken, the belongings and bodies it had swallowed in its depths. When waves come crashing, that’s how you know the ocean is alive; but now, as I watch the waves rocking in their timely rhythm and think of the million ways I couldn’t save you, all I want is for the sea to turn into stillwater, in much the same way my life had when I lost you._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the end!!! hope you guys enjoyed and maybe felt the pain hahahahahahha this entire fic was inspired by the time i went to sea and it looked too calm, just like how it is before a storm i suppose!
> 
> also chapter titles are lyrics from really sad songs which i love (+ the only reason why i made this chaptered LOL)
> 
> hope this was enjoyable hehe find me on twt [@yanjunsmiles](http://twitter.com/yanjunsmiles)
> 
> PS bonus chapter out as well!!!


	7. set me off with a kiss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>  
> 
> _excerpt from the mind of one you zhangjing, lost in the whirlwind of his thoughts_  
> 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bonus chapter!

Footsteps shuffling from the hall, a familiar sound. A shadow passes— the figure of a person I know well. The chiming of bells echo softly, followed by the sound of the front door closing.

Where is dad going?

_Where were you going? Why did you want to leave?_

I follow him, planning to give a little morning surprise before he’s off to work. I run the short distance that separates us, quietly and sneakily, and then…

“Boo!”

“Ah! Zhangjing? What are you doing out here?”

“I got up to get some water when I saw you leaving. Why are you out so early, dad?”

“Ah… Dad has work today you see. It’s very important. You should go back home; your mom would be worried when she wakes up to find you gone.”

“It’s okay, you can call her anyway! I want to come with you, can I please?”

“Zhangjing—”

“Pleaaaase?”

“Zhangjing, I have… to go on a business trip, so even if you come, I can’t watch out for you because I’ll have to go.”

“Then I’ll see you off! Are you taking a ship again?”

“Well… yes—”

“Then let’s go, dad! I want to see your ship too!”

“Zhangjing if you come, will you be able to go back home yourself? Do you know the way?”

“Yes dad, don’t worry about me! The docks are only a short, short walk away from home, and anyway, I’m a grown boy, you said so yourself right? I can take care of me!”

A sigh of resignation. “I guess if you say so, I’ll just have to trust you, right? Come along then, take my hand.”

A calloused hand, but nonetheless warm. I bounce as I walk alongside my father, content in this early morning we could spend together.

_You told me to take your hand, but why did you let go?_

We arrive at the docks, waiting by the boarding area for your ship. It was the only one afloat this morning, but its presence was truly, undeniably majestic, proud against the rising sun.

“Dad, how long will you be gone?”

“Maybe a month or two.”

“Really? But that’s so long! Can’t you come home any faster?”

“Ah well, I have to talk with very important people, and there are so many of them you see? I wish I could come home sooner too, but just think this is for you too. I’m doing this because I love you.”

“If you love us, you’ll come home in a week!”

“Oh, Zhangjing… why not let’s make a deal. Each day I’m away, I’ll be buying you one small present, how does that sound?”

“Hmm… but I like you more than presents.”

“I’ll buy you rare snacks I know you’ll love, plus I’ll treat you and mom out for dinner when I come home, how about that?”

“Hmm… dinner for one whole week when you come home!”

“Okay, okay, one whole week. Is that a deal?”

“Yes!”

“Okay, good,” dad says, smiling at me and ruffling my hair. “I’ll have to board now, okay? You run along home and go sleep. I’ll call you often so you don’t forget me!”

“I’d never forget you, silly! You’re my dad!”

Dad laughs, a warm, chocolate-smooth laughter. “Take care, I love you,” he says as he kisses my forehead. “Goodbye.”

“Bye, dad! Stay safe! And don’t forget my presents and dinner!”

_Goodbye. The very last thing you ever told me. You said you’d call, but you never did, nor did you answer our calls. You told me not to forget you and I never did, but how could you forget us? How could you forget me?_

_Where are you now? Are you really happier there, without us?_

_Where are you now? Is there any way I could find you, any way I could lead you home?_

_Where are you now? I still love you, did you know?_

_Where are you now?_

\---------------------------------------------------------------

_Thunder, drowning out every other noise._

_Wind, drowning out words whispered in tears._

_Waves, drowning out a boy._


End file.
